Can’t Have Orgasms Anymore

Changes in arousal and ability to reach orgasm are completely normal, though often very frustrating, experiences. While many physiological and psychological factors contribute to our ability to feel pleasure and allow arousal to build, below are some things to consider.

First, have you started taking any medications, or had any changes in your health? If so, this is the place to start. Some medications have a dampening effect on the libido and/or orgasmic response; antidepressants like Prozac (Zoloft, Effexor, Luvox, Paxil, etc.) are one of those. Birth control pills can also cause a decrease in libido. If this applies to you, it’s worth talking with your health care practitioner or pharmacist about the possible side effects of any medication you might be taking, and whether you can switch to a different prescription that would possibly not have the same side effects.You should also think about strengthening your pelvic floor muscles by doing your Kegel exercises. Since the pelvic floor muscles are the muscles that we feel spasm during an orgasm, if they are weak, our orgasms are weak or harder to feel. So doing your Kegels will help strengthen those muscles, and help you have stronger orgasms.The next thing to think about is that sexual desire and energy decreases over time in all relationships. When one falls in love, there is a state you experience called “limerance”. It includes intense lust, and makes your early sexual encounters incredibly powerful. Limerance goes away after a while, which is a good thing, since being in limerance makes it difficult to get other life tasks done! (Remember how, at first, you wanted to have sex several times a day, everyday, and didn’t care if you went to work or not?). This state of limerance also allows you to be more easily aroused and the novelty of having sex with a new partner can mean that your arousal during sex is higher than it is after the buzz wears off.Once limerance calms down, you experience a more realistic state of being, both during sex and during the rest of your time. What you are describing to me suggests that you are not as powerfully aroused as you were at first. I also wonder if you are giving sex less time and maybe less attention than you did when you were first falling in love. That is very common as well.So, what can you do about it? Well, first of all, understand that over your lifetime, sex will vary in its intensity. Sometimes you will have rockets-and-fireworks sex; other times you will have comforting, “gosh, we love each other and know each other well” sex. It’s not possible to have peak sexual experiences all the time; nor is it desirable. In fact, the way you know they are peak sexual experiences is that they happen only rarely, and in comparison to your normal sexual experiences they are unusual.

The fact that you are still having two orgasms during sex is a good sign. What you can do to increase your pleasure is to extend the amount of time that you are aroused before heading toward orgasm. You can also increase your arousal by stimulating more and different parts of your body so that the number of nerve endings you stimulate is increased, which will increase the intensity of your orgasms. You can also try bringing a vibrator into your sex play, which often allows women to have more orgasms in sequence than they can with manual or oral stimulation. Finally, you can play with your head; use fantasies to increase your arousal and excitement. Fantasies are a normal and healthy way to increase your pleasure. If you want some good fantasy material, try renting an erotic movie or reading a collection of erotic stories.

We all have to learn how to deepen our sexual experiences over time. While good sex is easy when we’re first falling in love (those hormones make a huge difference in the intensity of our sexual experiences when a relationship is new), good sex over the life of a relationship takes work.